Changing

February 27, 2015  •  Leave a Comment

April 7th 2011 is when the changes started to happen, that is the day I got the phone call from my Mom at 6:05 pm telling me that she had an inoperable brain tumour, my world at that moment literally stopped..... I didn't know what to say to her, I knew I didn't want to cry I wanted to be strong for her, well by the end of the phone call I was bawling, and as always she was helping me through it, this woman who just found out that she had an inoperable brain tumour was helping me through it.... strong is an understatement for how she handled all of this. Going to see her a couple of days later, her face was swollen from a chipped tooth and her body wasn't able to control that, but she sat beside me and held my hand. A couple of weeks later, she wasn't able to stand by herself she needed help and was very unbalanced, but she still had a smile on her face. Everything happened so quickly from there on, we found out the tumour was terminal and they told us she had maybe 2 weeks to live..... never ever did I think that they wouldn't be able to help my Mom, so to hear that I was in major denial.  She lost her ability to talk, so we signed "I Love You" instead, she was paralyzed on the right side of her body as well....My Amazing Mom fought for 39 days after being told she had 2 weeks to live, and I stayed in the hospital with her every weekend ( Thanks to my wonderful hubby for taking care of the boys so I could do that) I went during the week when I could get a ride, for me spending all that time with her even when she wasn't responsive was the best thing I ever did and I treasure every moment, every hand squeeze that I got, every " I Love You" she signed to me, and every breath that I watched her take.....

 
After she passed away, like I said before I shut down. I Didn't want to talk to anyone, see anyone and yes that included my hubby and kids.... I wanted to be alone and that lasted for a very long time. I described my world as black and white, there was no colour in it what so ever for me anymore, I was numb..... 
 
As April 7th and the 4 year anniversary approaches, I can say proudly that I have changed a lot. Before my Mom was sick, I saw colour, I laughed a lot more, was  happier I am sure as well. Losing her changed that for me, but even though I was in a very dark place for a long time, I am finding my way, not to who I was before she passed away but to a new me, one that still sees a world of black and white, darkness but at the same time with colour and lightness emerging from it. My friend Stacey used a great word "transformation" that is what I have gone through. For the first time, I can say that I am happy with who I am, with all the dark and twistiness, lol and with the emerging light that I see. I know that I will never see a world full of colour and brightness again, and that is more than ok and that is huge for me to say. 
 
I know that my Mom would be proud of me for getting to the place I am today, to be happy in my own way, to be doing what I love to do and to be sharing that with all of you. And now that I am crying after writing this ( in a good way), I just want to say Thank you for letting me be who I am now, changes and all <3
 
Nikki xoxoxo

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