Anger

March 02, 2015  •  Leave a Comment

I struggled with two major things the past 4 years, and one of those was Anger. This one was one of the hardest for me to get past. I was so angry for almost 2  years, yes you read that right 2 years. First I was angry with God, so angry with him for making my Mom go through this, for taking her from me, my boys,my Dad, my sister, family and friends, I just didn't understand how he could take someone so amazing from so many people that loved her, and I still have times where that anger creeps up again, especially if I am dealing with something that I would normally have my Mom there for support.
 
I became angry at my Mom...... I know it sounds horrible, and trust me I felt horrible but I was angry that she left, I know it wasn't her choice at all, but there were times where I was just angry at her.
There was a period of time where I was angry at others that still had their Mom in their lives.... how strange is that right?! I would be angry at them and jealous, so jealous that they could still go and see their Mom, pick up the phone and call their Mom and I wished more than anything that I was still able to do that.
 
Anger was a big part of my life for a very long time, I didn't want to feel angry but I really couldn't help it. I knew I needed to create an image based on my anger that I had, so red came to mind, the colour red is powerful but also symbolizes anger/rage. When I look back at that time of my life, I felt like my anger was swallowing me up, it surrounded me and I was sad about that. I wanted the dress to represent the anger covering me, where I was barely there anymore, but there was a small part of me that refused to let it take me over completely, and once again as in all my images there was a light that I would go towards to get past what I was feeling. I also wanted to make myself look taller, when you are really angry you tend to feel bigger than you are, and that is why I did that. 
 
I still have days where I am angry, not at my Mom at all, sometimes at God, but mostly just at the fact that she isn't here physically anymore, that I can't just pick up the phone and call her, to see her face, hug her and hear her voice, see her smile with that one tiny dimple in her cheek, I would give anything for just one of those things, but I know that it isn't possible...  I can, however, think of her and see and hear all of those things now, I can tell my boys stories about her and my childhood which I wasn't able to do before at all, and I am beyond grateful for that <3
 
Nikki xoxoxo

 


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