Sadness

March 03, 2015  •  Leave a Comment

 

This image and emotion are the biggest ones I faced out of everything..... Sadness! I know this will be a hard blog to write, because of how I felt and what I went through, so please keep in mind that this is very personal and I am sharing it in hopes that it will help even one person.
 
I had sadness mixed with fear the moment I heard my Mom tell me that she had an inoperable brain tumour, I knew that once she was gone it was going to hurt, but I honestly had no idea how much until she passed away. There was a physical ache in my chest, I couldn't breath, my head was pounding, and the emotional pain as I looked at her knowing that she was gone was beyond what I could even have imagined, I would stare at her neck and chest for a pulse..... a breath.... anything and I prayed to God to bring her back to me, for even one minute. I sat there for over 2 hours, I didn't realize it had been that long, but I couldn't leave her because once I did I knew that it was really true, she was gone.
 
I didn't sleep for days, I would try but I just kept reliving that moment over and over again, I helped plan her funeral, I sat in front of her and stared at her in the coffin during the visitation while greeting so many people, all while trying to keep it together which I didn't do a good job at. I kept thinking she didn't look like herself at all, so I stared at her hands which were holding my rosary because they looked the same and I found comfort in that. We said our final goodbyes, and I lost it. I knew that once I left that room they would close the coffin and I would never see her face again, and that was the beginning of the worst years of my life.
 
After the funeral, when Ryan went back to work and life went back to "normal" I could barely get out of bed in the morning to take care of the boys, I did it because I had to but if I could have just stayed there all day I would have. I sank deeper and deeper into a serious depression, I have always had a problem with depression and I used to have anxiety about my health and at that point I didn't care what happened to me. I didn't eat or drink, I didn't talk to anyone, I cried pretty much all day, I tried not to do it in front of my boys, but sometimes that wasn't possible. Everything I saw on tv reminded me of her, music reminded me of her, my kids reminded me of her, everything did and I couldn't deal with it. Now this is hard for me to talk about, but I feel that it is very important to do so...... at my lowest point I didn't want to live anymore, I thought the boys would be better off without me as would Ryan and my family, because what good was I when I didn't care about anything and didn't want to be here anymore, the pain was just too much. I stared and held my medication bottles a lot, but the only thing that stopped me and made me fight was my boys and Ryan, I would look at my bottle and then look at the boys sleeping and I just couldn't do it.....I couldn't let them feel the pain I was feeling, and I know that they would have if I would have gone through with it....if it wasn't for them I don't know if I would even be here right now.
 
Until recently I had nightmares every night, they would be about my Mom being told it was all a mistake she was fine, alive and healthy and then all over again she got sick and died....every. single. night for at least 3 years that is what I have dreamt. I have not had a happy dream with my Mom in it, something always happens to her. It took a lot of strength and support to get past how I felt about life and about losing my Mom, there are still so many moments when I slip back into a depression, but thankfully never as dark as in the past. I think I will always go through those moments, because of who she was to me and again that is ok and it took a long time for me to realize that too.
This image means so much to me, the blue dress represents my tears, I felt as I was surrounded by them, and they never stopped flowing. I just wanted to lay down and cry and just be left there...alone. And the light represents me getting through it, it represents my boys, Ryan, and my life.
 
Sorry, this one is so long, out of all the images this is the one that I needed to create the most and write about the most. One thing I have learned from all of this, is I am not alone in how I feel or have felt in the past, so if you feel this way remember you are so not alone, and if you need someone to talk to or just to listen I am here for you <3
 
I am bawling right now, it hurt to write this and create this image but oh I can't even describe how good it feels to get it out and share it, this series has helped me heal so much. For once I can say that I am proud of myself for putting myself out there, in both images and writing. Thank you again for all of your support! 
 
Nikki xoxoxo
 

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