Reliving - Today is April 7th, 4 years ago today at 6:05 pm I got a phone call from my Mom that changed all of our lives. I had a horrible feeling in my stomach that something more was going on with her and I was, unfortunately, right. She called and told me that she had a brain tumour, and due to its location ( in her brainstem ) they couldn't operate, but they would do more tests to find out what they could do. Like I said in past posts I never thought she would die from this let alone less than 2 months later, I figured she could have treatments and we would go from there. I remember trying to hold it together and be strong and failing at that. So many things that my Mom said to me during that conversation didn't make complete sense to me, but they do now.
5 years earlier after my Oma passed away ( my Mom's Mom ) I didn't take it well, I was in the car with my Mom on the way to my doctor's appt, and we were talking about her and losing her, I said to my Mom " I don't know what I would do if I lost you.....I don't think I could live" My Mom started to cry said " That scares me, you saying that....but you need to remember you are so much stronger than you think you are, just remember everything you have gone through in your life, most people wouldn't have survived or wanted too and you did, you will get through it! " When I am having a rough day I think of that conversation and I think to myself she was right.
I needed to create a specific image for this day, and write about it. Every year starting today I start to relive everything my Mom went through, everything I went through with her, and this is when I slip into my deep depression, it happens every year. I will start having nightmares again of her passing away over and over again and it is during the next almost 2 months, that I will tell myself I can do this, I am strong enough. I get through it with the help of Ryan and my boys, and my Mom.... yes she helps me through this even though she isn't physically here anymore. I can feel her here when I need her the most, and she is still being an amazing Mom. <3
This image is me reliving all those moments, I feel liking screaming and rocking and crumbling to the ground, I just want it to stop. My mind never stops, I don't sleep because of it, it just keeps going and going and I needed to show that.
All the images I have created have great meaning behind them, and this one is no exception, it felt good to create it, a little more weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Slowly but surely I am learning how to live without her here, it is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through, but I am strong enough and it took me 4 years to figure that out.
Now my journey begins for another year! So many things have changed for me in the past 4 years, some very bad and some wonderful, I have also learned so many lessons which I take with me every day. I can do this!!! I am Strong enough! <3