Since the end of last year, I have not wanted to create anything, I didn’t even want to pick up my camera, which anyone that knows me knows that is just not right, lol.
I didn’t know if it was the severe depression that was causing it, or all the things that have been happening in our lives for the past year, or both. I just felt lost and didn’t know what to do about it. In about April I knew I had to make some changes, it really, just kind of hit me to be honest. I knew that I needed to concentrate on my Art and Fine Art Portraits, but even with knowing that my heart wasn’t there yet.
Fast forward to May 17th and I woke up to the news that Chris Cornell had passed away, now I normally don’t get too emotional when someone passes away that I didn’t know, but I grew up listening to his music and just loved it, his music had a huge impact on my life!! I decided that day to listen to one of Audioslave’s albums, one song that is my favourite that I hadn’t heard in a while really stuck out to me, so I watched the video and that is what got me inspired, for me music and what has been happening in my life is what inspires me. The song is called “Like a Stone” listen to the song, read the lyrics and watch the video, it is an amazing song. The tones of my image and the abandoned room are my ideas I took from the video. It got up the next day and literally forced myself to go to the studio to take my self-portraits for it, I say forced because even though I had this image in my head I didn’t want to go out there and photograph anything but I knew I needed to create it. I did go out there and then I sat down for the next 7 ½ hours straight, I didn’t eat or drink anything, when I get in the zone I don’t focus on anything else, this is the image that came from that song/video that inspired me. Cracked.
You may be wondering why it is called Cracked or why did I create it, this past year has been incredibly hard for our family, besides Bryce’s health which has been stressful to say the least, there is so much more going on that I am not going to get into, although some of you already know. All of this caused me to slip into a deep depression, similar to what happened after my Mom passed away, and I didn’t know if I was going to be able to climb out this time, because I was just tired…. physically, mentally, emotionally exhausted. Very slowly over many, many months, I did climb my way out, I still have some very bad days, but I am doing much better now and this what I thought of as I created this image. I felt alone, in an empty room that was full of cracks, and I felt like I was cracking too like my heart and soul was just going to slip out of those cracks, but I fought, very hard and just like the walls in this room, I didn’t break!
For me creating this image meant so much more than just creating a piece of art, it meant that I was taking back my life and doing what I love again and after the past year I didn’t know if that was going to happen!! Creating my art helps me release so many emotions and dark feelings which help me more than I can say and I am grateful that I have that as an option.
Having said that I know that some people don’t have an outlet for their emotions, or feel like they have no one to talk too, for all of you I ask you to reach out to someone, whether it’s family or friends or even me, I know it’s scary to talk about but please talk to someone! You matter, you are loved, even if you think you aren’t you truly are!! If you want to talk to me, I am 100% here for you even if you just need someone to listen to you, reach out to me!! I have been there, I really do understand! ❤
Thank you for taking the time to read this,